Ticking time bombs, or beautiful boobies?
December 1st 2019
One of the hardest parts of my journey so far has been the ever evolving relationship with my boobs.
Being someone who has battled with low self esteem my entire life I always manage to pick flaws, especially in my physical appearance. However one of my proudest accomplishments to date is breastfeeding my beautiful girl (which I am still doing now at 20 months! 💪). I feel incredibly honoured to have been able to feed my girl and struggle with the idea that should I be fortunate to have anymore children I will not be able to breastfeed them. The decision to have the preventative double mastectomy is a no brainer. I’m not taking that risk. But that decision is coupled with loss and grief. Loss of ever breastfeeding again. Grief of not being able to provide another child with milk I created for them and tailored for them. I dont know when I am going to have my op as my referral has only recently gone in. But until then I plan on enjoying my finite days of feeding my little booby monster.
Another strange thing now, is I see beauty in my boobs that I never saw before. I have always been very busty. Often known jokingly between friends as “the girl with the big tits”. A title I often wore with pride as I knew it is a sore point amongst women. But soon I will be losing my natural boobs. I will have reconstruction but I feel it somehow taking away that identity. And although I prided myself in having big boobs I always found them too saggy, nipples pointing down, not part, not high enough on my chest. But after catching a glimpse on them in the mirror today I saw no flaws. Ironic that now they pose an increased risk to my life I see little physical imperfections.